It has been three weeks since I lost my husband Ryan. Time has become irrelevant as I continue to feel like I’m living in a dream that I can’t wake up from. It still doesn’t feel real. Every morning, I stay in bed as long as I possibly can because I don’t want to face another day of this. Everyday tasks seem impossible. I’m proud of myself if I can take a shower and make my bed. If I can make any food to eat for myself, it’s a good day.
One of the hardest parts of this is being completely baffled as to why he did this. He was happy. There were no signs of depression or anxiety. He never spoke of wanting to hurt himself and never, ever spoke of wanting to die. He finally had a job that he loved. He loved me, I know he did. There were no signs. We agreed on basically everything, had the same values and he was kind. I couldn’t ask for a better partner, we had a good, no great solid marriage. There were no signs. He loved our house and our dogs and riding his Harley. He loved spending time in nature. We loved traveling together and going on adventures. There were no signs. This is the hardest part, I think. It was so sudden, so absolutely outside of his character. I am so confused and completely broken. How could this happen to him, to me, to us? He is my best friend and the love of my life. I have no idea how to even do life without him. We had been together for 21 years, more years of our lives together than apart.
As per my MO, I will continue to share my story as it moves forward. This is cathartic to me to get it out and I’m finding so many others who have gone through similar tragedies. Thank you to all who have reached out to share your stories. It makes me feel less alone and I hope maybe my story will help someone out there to feel less one too.
