January 14th, 2024
In loving memory of Ryan Lubitz
May 31st, 1980 - January 14th, 2023
Forever in my heart
One year ago today my life was shattered. All the people who love Ryan have been forever and irrevocably changed. 2023 was the year of my devastation and also my year of rebirth.
Life is more quiet now. Some of the turmoil has settled and my mind is a bit quieter. The damage still lives in me, but it has transformed into more of a dull ache than a raging, searing pain. I still think about Ryan everyday. I think about what happened everyday. I don’t think that will ever stop.
I hadn’t really been thinking about the upcoming anniversary in any particular way, but my body knew. My anxiety has been terrible. I have been feeling sick, nauseated. I knew the day was coming and my body knew too. It’s like my body remembers the trauma of that day and is sending me warning signs. Danger, it says.
I couldn’t figure out what I should do to mark this day. How do you mark the worst day of your life? A friend offered this advice: “What if you reframed the day, not to remember the tragedy, but to reflect on how far you’ve come in just one short year”. I like this very much and am taking it to heart.
There is a strange new sense of tranquility now, something I’ve never experienced before. Tranquility lives here now, along side the grief. She brings me peace even when the raging, searing pain makes a reappearance. And it do, from time to time.
I can feel a greater capacity stirring inside of me. A greater capacity for love and for life that I didn’t have before. A greater sense of compassion for myself and others. I think this sense of peace and quiet is what is bringing me the ability to open my heart more. To know more about the depths and magnitudes of life.
The fog of anger has cleared a bit, and I can allow myself to remember the good times. I can allow myself to miss him. My heart is slowly opening again. Forgiveness is something that will take more time. I want to forgive him. I’m working on forgiving him, but it’s not an easy undertaking.
I haven’t wanted to write. I have less that I need to get out and more that I need to hold close to my heart.
I keep trying to get back to who I was. To be able to look in the mirror and know the woman looking back at me. But the thing is, there is no going back. Pretending that could ever be a possibility is a futile endeavor.
Things I Have Learned
Life is fragile and people are fragile. Be careful with the ones you love. Cherish the lives that are connected to yours. You will lose them someday. You will feel grief and loss. I will feel it again too. Losing Ryan has taught me this in the most brutal, personal, and profound way imaginable.
Everything changes. Sometime extremely abruptly and violently. Each and every one of us will experience massive change and upheaval in our lifetimes. The only constant is that everything changes, and everything dies.
Being resilient and flexible are of the utmost importance. I’ve always tried not to be too attached to any physical thing because I always knew I could lose everything at any moment. I didn’t consider losing the most important person in my life, however so when it happened, I was utterly ruined. Somehow, I am finding my way through by being resilient, flexible and stubborn as hell. I am relentlessly clawing my way back into life. A different life, but still, my life. I won’t give up even on the days that I really, really want to.
I wouldn’t be the person that I am today without Ryan. He is forever in my heart.
